By Dick Johnson

“Yeah, I shot her in the face. She fucking deserved it.”

The detectives looked at me like I was crazy.

“You shot her?”


“Because you caught her cheating?”


“But you knew she was cheating?”

“Yeah, I walked in on her. The guy was on her just pumping away. But no that’s not why. She had cheated on me lots of times. She was a whore. I told her she should charge money and help pay these bills. So she did sometimes.”

“She was a prostitute?”

“Part time, I guess. Maybe as a side hustle?” I said.

“Like babysitting?

“Well, yeah if baby sitters sucked dick. ” I said.

“Some do.” The Hippie Cop said.

That was hilarious.

“I never got so lucky.” I joked.

“Now they call it molesting.” The Fat Cop said.

“Yeah, everything’s changed. I tried to get her to do one of those Onlywhores, pages.”


“Yeah, that one. She said it would ruin her reputation. And I said, ‘Yeah in case you run for The School Board.’ That pissed her off.”

“So that’s why you shot her?”

“No, that was last week.” I explained.

“Did you guys fight a lot?”

“Yeah, we had our fights.”

“Did you beat her?”

“Only when she deserved it. And don’t give me that shit about never hitting a woman. We are equal, and if you don’t wanna get hit, don’t do shit that deserves to get the fuck slapped out of you.”

“So, you beat her?” Fat Cop asked.

“She beat me too. She fuckin stabbed me… Where were you guys then? Instead of arresting her, you asked what I did to deserve it. She fucking poured ice water on me while I was asleep and then beat me with the bucket. What if I’d done that shit? She fucking poisoned me…”

“So it was an abusive relationship?” Fat Cop interrupted

“I know what you guys are trying to do. You’re cops, you know that sometimes people deserve to get beat. She was mean and sometimes she deserved it.”

“OK, let’s go back to that night.” Hippie said.

“No I’m done talking, you guys are trying to spin this.”

“There’s nothing to spin. You shot her.”

“She deserved it.”

“What do you mean…” Fat Cop asked.

“Let’s go back to that night…” Hippie said. “So, you came home and found the black guy, banging your girlfriend?”

“You’re trying to get me for a hate crime. No, I wasn’t happy that my black neighbor was banging my old lady, but not because he’s black”

“Then why?”

“I didn’t shoot HIM did I?”

“No, you let him leave, then shot her later.”



“It was self defense.”


“She was sucking my dick, and pulled a knife out, threatening to cut my dick off.”

“And that’s why you shot her?”

“I grabbed my gun off the dresser, and shot her. I don’t play with my dick. Well…you know what I mean. I don’t let anyone threaten my dick. I love my dick.”

Bio: Dick Johnson is a writer from St. Louis, Mo.. He likes to tell stories on the grittier side of life. He has several on The Yard: Crime Blog. “A Bottle of Vodka” “Hustler Man” “Thou Shalt Not”Bag of Soap” “Do You Like Masks?”, “Sad Day“, “The Crawl Space“ “Drunk Tank”

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Publishing Editor for The Yard: Crime Blog.

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