By Dick Johnson
(The Dirty Blog is a series where a criminal posts a blog, like anyone else would. Click on The Dirty Blog category to see more.)
I was at the apartment and had just gotten out of the shower when I heard a knock on the door.
Normally, I wouldn’t answer unless I had gotten a text message or phone call telling me that someone was coming over. All of the family and friends I care to hear from know this. My friends do not drop by unannounced. So, if it’s not a friend, then why answer the door? It might be the cops. Contrary to what the TV tells you, you do not have to answer the door for cops. If they have a warrant, they will come in and get you. You do not have to talk to them. If someone sends the cops to do a wellness check…make sure they never do so again.
That being said, I’m on parole, so this might have been my parole officer at the door. I put on some sweat pants and answered.
Standing there was a big guy in a flannel shirt.
“My girlfriend lives down stairs and we are tired of you stomping around on the floor up here.” He said.
“I’m not stomping. I just got out of the shower, and I’m hardly at home, unless I’m sleeping.” I said.
“Whatever man, I’m telling you to walk soft or I’m gonna beat your fucking ass.” He said.
Ok…let’s hit the pause button for a second, so I can give you some commentary.
First, I learned a long time ago to never threaten anyone. If you threaten someone it means you want to avoid violence or trouble, and you are really just giving a warning to your enemy. If it’s worth violence, then just do it. Why wait? Why warn? Just break his nose.
Second, most big guys live life being protected by the fact that they are big. Most people will be scared to attack them because they are big, so they are actually not very experienced in fighting. But, you can look into a man’s eyes and see if he will kill you or not. Remember be mean. The Bear runs from the Honey Badger, because it is fucking mean. Be the Honey Badger.
Third, I have certain lines I draw in the sand. They are things I will not tolerate. Never threaten me, and never call me stupid.
Fourth, fuck this dude.
So, I busted his nose and sent him staggering back. Then, I kicked him in the balls, which made him bend over. Then, I jumped forward grabbing him and sending him flying down the stairs.
Fuck him. I shut my door, and set my hammer beside it in case he wanted to pay me another visit. I work at a hardware store, and do handyman work on the side sometimes. A hammer is a good weapon, it has killed more people than you would think. So, a hammer is a logical choice for me to have around and use to crack a guy with.
Then, I called my lawyer and my P.O. The man had come up stairs and assaulted me. So, I beat his ass. Was my basic story.
I called my lawyer on the cell phone first.
“Yeah this is Jimmy MacDougal. I got into a fight and need some advice.” I said, leaving a message.
I didn’t call the police. Normally, the cops consider the person who calls them, to be the victim. But, I hate cops and the guy was upstairs, which is evidence that he came after me.
Then, I called the P.O. and told him what happened.
“Don’t worry about it unless you get arrested.”
Sometimes, the P.O. is a stand up guy.
Now, it was time to head out and drum up business.
(Bio: Dick Johnson is a writer from St. Louis, Mo.)