Buxom Burgers and Flirty Fries

By Dave Larson

Chapter One

Katie turned to her sister, “Kathy, do you expect me to kill a cow myself. We need
ground beef to sell hamburgers. And to make hamburger gravy for the fries. I don’t want to do this, but I’m going to quote Clara Peller, ‘where’s the beef’”?

The sisters, called the burger babes, parked their truck by the construction site to prep for the lunch rush. Their truck was the first of several to arrive at what’s known as a food truck court.

“Kat, I swear it was here last night when I locked up the truck. Here’s the receipt where I bought 30 pounds of ground chuck. I’m sure Chuck didn’t miraculously pull himself together and leave.”

“Are you sure you locked the truck’s door and even the service window? Is there a
chance someone was hiding inside when you stowed the meat”?

“Look for yourself. With as tiny as you are, where could you hide and not be seen”?

“We can’t file a police report as our vendor’s license is expired, and we don’t want the health department looking around.”

“Katie, how can we say the chuck was just two years old. That would be like a missing child case.”

“And the police will pass the word around that we serve old meat. How much money do we have? We need to get any beef so we can work. We need to make some money. Do we have anything we can sell”?

“Kat, do you think our insurance will cover the loss”?

“Did the meat cost a thousand dollars? Our deductible is that much. Do we still have the fries, or did they walk about also”?

“We’ve got 30 pounds of fries, a pound of bacon and cheese sauce. How about we make poutine? Is there a large settlement of Canadians in town? They love poutine.”

“The name of our truck is Buxom Burgers and Flirty Fries, not Spuds and Gravy. Do you have any cash? Our credit card is maxed out. I spent the last of my cash yesterday to gas up the truck. If we can’t buy any meat, the boys at the construction won’t give us any tips to stare at our cleavage. They can do that at the strip joint while drinking beer. We want their money before they go drinking after work.”

“Well, sis, what do you want to do”?

“Let’s check with the other trucks if they had meat stolen lost night also. If not, they
might let us borrow a couple of pounds of beef. We can make the patties smaller and take our bras off in hopes of larger tips. We take the Double D burger off the menu and offer just the A or B cup size. But we need a few pounds of beef.”

“What about making the poutine”?

“Let’s give it a try. We can speak in a french accent and be standoffish while still flashing a little oh la la. The Gopher A Sandwich truck is pulling up. Let’s ask if they have any extra ground beef”.

“Kat, Do they use gopher meat instead of beef.? I don’t even want to try that.”

“Kathy, think about it. Gopher meat would be costly. Those little critters can’t weigh
more than a few ounces, and most of that is fur and bones.”

“But the truck says Gopher A Sandwich, if not gopher meat, what is it”?

“It’s Gopher like Go For. Understand? Let’s go talk with him.”

Chapter Two

Katie and Kathy walked over to the Gopher truck. “Hey Gus, it’s us, the burger babes.
Would you come out? We’ve got a problem.”

Gopher Gus was a head taller than the sisters and always creeped them out. His height meant he was looking down on them, so the girls buttoned up their shirts to the top. Gus exited his sandwich truck, wearing a chef’s mushroom hat and a smock covered with odd substances.

“Gus, someone broke into our truck last night and stole all of our hamburger. Are you
missing anything today? Or do you have burger meat we can borrow”?

“You girls realize I don’t serve burgers. I make BLTs and Rubens and grilled cheese.
Even peanut butter and bacon sandwiches. Sorry, not beef. Let me check one thing; I thought something was ajar this morning. I was sure I closed yesterday. I’ll be right back. While you wait, the sun is heating up; you might want to unbutton a couple.”

The sisters looked at each other and shook their heads no.

“Girls, one of my cabinets was open, and some stale bread I had saved for toast was gone. I checked the fridge and saw a couple of onions and half a dozen eggs were also missing. Did you call the police as I’d like to put in a report also?”

“No police yet. What do we tell them? Mr. policeman, we think somebody stole our beef from a locked truck. They’ll think we are just ditsy broads and confused.”

“Well, if you do call them, have them swing by my truck. Have you checked with any of the other trucks”?

“Not yet; you were the first one we saw. I spot Bob’s Kabobs and Gerties Gyros
pulling up. We’ll check with them. Thanks.”

“Kathy, I’d bet Bob has some beef to spare. He can always offer chicken kabobs. We
could grind up whatever beef he can spare”.

The burger babes weren’t fans of Bob once they spotted their likenesses on Bob’s arms.

They were especially displeased that the tattoos were of them naked. They knew Bob would ask for an inappropriate favor.

A short man with long oily hair climbed out of the driver’s seat. He was built like a keg of beer and had arms that would make Popeye proud. “Hello, my lovely friends. Let me show you my arms. You’ll be glad to hear that I am shaving them, so you no longer have hairy chests. Why am I honored with your presence”?

“Hello Bob, thanks for shaving our chests. Wait, that came out wrong. Anyway, we were robbed last night; all of our ground beef was stolen. Would you have any you could let us borrow”?

“Anything to help you lovely ladies. I only use beef cubes for the kabobs. I guess you
could grind them up. I can always offer chicken kabobs. I’ll be right back. Don’t stare at my tushy; it might give you some naughty ideas.”

“Kathy, how desperate have we become that we have to deal with this perv.”

Then the yelling started coming from the truck, “Son of a bitch. I’m going to kill
someone.”

As Bob came out of the truck, his glare said he was ready to murder. “All my skewers
and beef cubes are missing. Did you call the police on your theft as I’d like to be on that report?”

“No, we haven’t talked to the police yet. We don’t want them to learn our license has
expired. But there might be a case with you, Gus, and us being ripped off; they might take us seriously and ignore other issues. Kathy and I are going to talk with Gertie next.”

Gertie was an older woman who was known for the speed at which she produced her
specialty. She made her pita bread and used secret spices that had been a family recipe for ages.

She also disliked Katie and Kathy, complaining behind their back that they were selling something besides burgers.

“Morning, Gertie. I don’t like asking for favors, but we were robbed last night and would
like to borrow some beef if you have any.”

“I don’t like you two boobalas with your low-cut blouses and short shorts. You two are no better than those striptease women. I think you need to go find that pole and climb back on.”

“Gertie, I understand why you don’t think highly of us. We are trying to make a living
without doing what you think we might be doing. We’ve talked with Gus and Bob, and they had stuff stolen last night also. I’ll accept you don’t want to help us, but would you check if anything was stolen from your truck last night.”

“If it will make you go away before my customers arrive and you turn their heads, I’ll
check.”

From inside the truck, the sisters’ heard words were used that were once limited to construction sites.

“Did you girls steal from me? This has you written all over it.”

“Gertie, if we stole from you, why would we come and ask you if anything was stolen”?

“You two are idiots because God gave you those chests instead of brains. Everyone
knows intelligence is inverse to breast size. But I am missing some items. I locked the truck last night, and now I’m missing my lamb, tomatoes, and peppers. I don’t have any meat today for my gyro, who wants pita bread with shredded lettuce and garlic. I want to talk with the police officer you talked to.”

“We haven’t called the police yet. If we called them, they would have the truck tied up for hours while having their CSI people and the health department investigate. We might not be able to work for days.”

“Oh, frackle, you’re right. If someone saw the police going through my truck, I’d have
another bad Yelp review. I can’t open it today until I buy more food. And don’t ask me to bring you any beef. You already owe me for the napkins and plates you borrowed.”

“Gertie, let me ask you a question about a recipe. So far, somebody has stolen ground beef, lamb, eggs, stale bread, skewers, tomatoes, peppers, and onions. What could someone do with those ingredients”?

“I knew you two are just pretty faces and squishy bits. You don’t understand anything
about food, and what you have told me is used to make meatloaf.”

“Why would someone take skewers then also”?

“They are used to hold the loaf together while cooking.”

“Katie, that means we need to go find the meatloaf truck. Do you remember the name”?

“Yeah, Loafers. That creepy guy with the tattoos of Rachel Ray usually parks that truck by the college. Let’s go find him.”

“Thanks, Gertie. We’ll tell you if he’s there today. You said you got a bad review; that
doesn’t seem possible.”

“Well, it is possible, just like your fans review you for something besides your burgers.”

“Where do we find those reviews”?

“You need to check online for ROLF. That stands for Reviews Online of Local Foods. I
especially like the reviews where your fans say they have green pee after eating your burgers.”

“Ah, shizz nizz. Kathy, green pee. You make the burgers; what are you doing”?

“Calm down, sis. Let’s find the review; my guess is someone is green with envy that our burgers are so tasty.”

“I hope you’re right. Let’s go over to the college and check if the Loafers truck is there.”

Chapter Three

The burger babes drove around the college campus before spotting Loafers by the
football field. Katie started pounding on the truck’s back door while Kathy shouted insults about Rachel Ray.

“Kathy, why are you disparaging Rachel? She hasn’t done anything to you.”

“You’re right, but I figure this loafer guy will be mad and open the doors. Did you check if the door is open”?

“No, I don’t want to walk in on him if he’s doing something weird inside. He might have a Rachel Ray blowup doll. If you’re so curious, check if the driver-side door is open.”

Kathy went and found the door cracked slightly open. “Sis, the door is open, and I’m
getting a bad feeling about this truck. We need to call the police.”

Within minutes, the police arrived. “Hey, you two are the burger babes. How about fixing me an order of those french fries that you shape like legs and a C cup burger. I missed breakfast this morning”.

“Officer, we aren’t open yet today. We don’t have any ground beef. We will be offering
an international cuisine later of poutine, at our regular parking spot.”

“Okay, then why did you call us”?

“We came looking for the loaf guy, and we think something is wrong. We didn’t go
inside, nor did he respond when we insulted Rachel Ray.”

“Why would you insult Rachel Ray. She’s an American treasure.”

“Kathy thought it was a good idea; the loaf guy loves Rachel. She was hoping he’d pop his head out to check who’s bashing the queen of carbonara.”

“I guess that’s an okay reason. Now, don’t let me hear you say anything about Rachael. Hey Bronco, check the driver-side door. I’m looking thru the windshield; someone is lying on the floor in the back.”

“Damn you, Jingles. You can tell the guy is dead; you wanted to avoid the write-up by making me climb in the truck.”

“Tough it up, you big baby. I’ll share the arrest of these babes for murder with you. I’ll even let your frisk the one of your choice.”

“Officers, we just found the truck. We had nothing to do with the loaf guy if he is dead.”

“Katie, speak for yourself. I haven’t had an excellent frisking in quite a while. Which one of you two has the biggest hands”?

Jingles opened the doors and called for the ME and CSI techs. “Ladies, we need to take a rain check on frisking you two. This man has been dead for hours. I’d bet he caught someone ransacking the truck, and he then was mansacked. Do you like that?”

“You girls can decide which one of us you want to do the frisking. Bronco has big hands, but he has rough skin, while I have soft mitts that feel like cotton mittens. Go back to where you usually park; we’ll be by later after we are done here.”

Back in their truck, “Kathy, I guess we try to move bowls of poutine. We don’t need to cut the spuds into the shape of legs today. The fries will be covered up with cheese and bacon gravy. We can call it french cheese to make it more international.”

“Kat, I was sure the loaf truck took all the ingredients to make meatloaf. What do we tell the others”?

“The other trucks might not be there today if they don’t have anything to sell. If they aren’t there, we could charge double and hope to make enough to buy more beef tonight. I hope we have plenty of potatoes.”

“While you drive, I’m going to find us on that ROLF site. I find it funny that our food
makes our customers pee green.”

“Is it funny if we are making people sick?”

“Funny color pee is fun. Remember when I was eating all those blueberries, and I was whizzing pink. After you drank all those blue energy drinks, I thought it hilarious you made the toilet blue as if you dumped in Tidy Bowl. You thought you were going to d i e, but it was just d y e.”

“All right, the fun is over. We’re here, and the other trucks have gone to buy more food. We’ll need to tell them Loafers is no more. I’ll start cutting up taters while you check us out online and develop a sign to sell poutine. I’d bet none of these guys have even heard of it, so we need to educate their palates”.

“Katie, you’re funny. There’s a stack of pallets over there, and it’s also how someone
tastes things. I wonder what those wooden pallets like to taste”?

“The only thing that is enjoying tasting those pallets are termites. What did you find online”?

“We’re popular on ROLF. You and I earn five stars for service, as do our C and D cup
burgers. The reviews of the A and B cup burgers say they are too small to enjoy. The flirty fries have a few rave reviews, but some wish they would be saltier.

There are a couple of reviews that say they have green pee after eating our burgers. Those reviews have been in the last couple of weeks. Has anyone mentioned this to you when they order? This is also interesting; the reviews say our food no longer gives people heartburn. That’s good, right”?

“Kathy, I’m not sure what to say. No one ever told me about getting heartburn. Were you aware of that, and did you do something”?

“A few guys may have said some things. The lines are long when we are busy. The guys at the back of the line have to eat fast to go back to work. They told me they get indigestion, so I did something to help stop that.”

“Oh no, what did you do? We could be sued and have to go back to flipping burgers for pervs at some fast-food restaurant.”

“Do you remember my old boyfriend, Roman, with the roaming fingers? He was the one who worked for the pharmaceutical company and was arrested for selling fake Xanax to nursery school mothers. He had tons of samples that he left at our apartment. I put them in my bedroom as I didn’t want you to find them.”

“Why did you think I didn’t want to find them”?

“You can be a little bossy and would have thrown the drugs away. I was saving them for when Roman was paroled and got his old job back.”

“There are several things wrong with that, which I will ignore for now. What did you do”?

“He had a whole case of that antacid, Tagamet. It was like a hundred bottles. I emptied the bottles and ground up the pills. Then I mixed them into the ground beef. Roman said Tagamet had no taste, so I was trying to keep the customers from getting heartburn. They were taking the antacid while eating instead of after. That’s not so bad now, is it”?

“Hopefully, no one had any reaction to the drug, or we may be working in the prison
cafeteria. Let me check out this drug online for side effects. You finish with the potatoes and mix up some gravy.”

“Kathy, it is the Tagamet that’s turning the pee green. This website says the bluish color of the pill mixes with the yellow pee and turns it green. It also appears to be safe. I’ll give you an A for the idea but a D for not doing any research.”

Kathy was finishing slicing potatoes while Katie was prepping a cheesy sauce to pour over the spuds. When done, they wrote on their whiteboard, ‘Try the International Sensation, Poutine. One Day Only.’

When they opened the service window, they noticed the other trucks had come back and were getting ready to open.

Their first customer looked upset. “Babes, I want a burger. What’s this poo stuff? I don’t like the idea of putting anything in my body that sounds like something that comes out of my body.”

“Dippy, poutine is a Canadian treasure, french fries covered with a cheese and bacon sauce. We’re trying to expand our menu. Try it; you’ll like it.”

“Give me a bowl; I’m starving. I don’t want kabobs or gyros; they give me heartburn. At least your food doesn’t.”

“Before you leave, can we ask if you’ve had anything peculiar happen after eating our burgers”?

“Do you mean like the green pee? The rest of the crew like the color. We are called for random drug tests, and it freaks out the nurses when we hand them a cup they think is green Kool-Aid.”

“It is fun. I want to try for blue pee sometime. I once went on an all carrot diet and gave a sample to the doctor that was orange. Katie laughed so hard she peed a little pink from eating blueberries. You’d think blueberries would make your pee blue, but I’m no peeologist.”

Chapter Four
The day went smoothly. The babes’ usual customers tried the poutine and gave the food two oui oui. No one mentioned any color changes from the delicacy.

Once the lunch rush was over, the truck owners gathered to discuss the thefts. Gertie was the most vocal. “We need to have the police involved. I’d bet Lawrence with the meatloaf truck made off with all our food. Everything we lost is used in meatloaf. I’m ready to call the cops. Who’s with me”?

Katie spoke up, “It wasn’t loafer Larry. We found him this morning, dead. We called the cops. They figured he found someone ransacking his truck, and well, as the cops said, he was mansacked.”

Bob shook his head, “That’s awful. Are you sure the cops said that and not you? You seem to have appalling puns. Remember, ‘You’ll find it cheesy going to eat here. Or relish our tasty D cup burgers.’”

Gus joined the conversation. “I think the police need to be told what happened. Any of us could have been killed if we were in our truck. I’m picturing the girls getting molested and even raped. Their clothes being torn off, and running naked for help. We wouldn’t want that to happen.”

Before anyone could respond, Jingles and Bronco pulled up in their squad car. “Bronco and I thought we’d have to search your trucks and frisk the ladies, but we realized none of you were involved. The loafing meat guy seemed to be missing all of his seasonings, like salt and pepper and others. We would like you to check with your customers if they have seen any new loaf trucks in the area. We are going through vendor licenses new business names that may indicate you have some competition. Do you folks want to file a robbery report”?

Gertie stepped up, “I’m willing to be frisked, officers. Should I face my truck and spread ‘em”?

“I’m sorry, sir, Jingles and I had intended on searching the ladies. However, our sergeant said we couldn’t do that.”

If you listened closely, you heard Gertie insulting and swearing at the cops. The rest of the group shook their heads in agreement when Bob said, “Officers, we didn’t lose anything of high value; it’s that our insurance won’t cover the loss. Plus, you have a murder to solve that should take precedent over some missing burgers and eggs.”

“Okay, folks, we’ll be on our way. If you have any other problems or learn something, please call. And ladies, we are willing to frisk you if you demand it. And gentlemen, I’m sure you’d rather have a pair of female hands on you. If you’d like, I can ask Detective Meg Lomaniac to do the pat-down. And pat up. And pat sideways. She can be rough if you like that.”

Kathy was curious, “Why do they call you Jingles and Bronco. Are they family names”?

“No, I’m Jingles because of how I have my handcuffs on my belt. If you listen when I walk, I jingle. As for my partner, he keeps putting quarters in that little horsey ride at the supermarket.”

As the police left, Katie spoke, ‘Fellow foodies, we need to keep our ears open for any comments about a new truck in town. Also, keep checking ROLF for new postings. We may need to solve this crime ourselves. See you tomorrow.”

The trucks gathered at the same spot the next day when Gus excitedly gathered the group.

“We’ve got more competition. I was driving by the arena last night, and there were a couple food trucks I’d never seen before: Peter’s Pork Pie Pockets, Messy Marvin’s Sloppy Joes, and Swede’s Bag of Balls. Maybe we should organize all trucks and work together. We all sell something different.”

“Speaking for Kathy and myself, that’s a great idea. We can all share ideas and things when we come up short. One us can keep track of who borrows what to make sure items get returned.”

“Oh sure, you boobalas want that. You are always short of money and borrowing things. I’d bet you spend all your profits at the strip joint, Buns of Fun. I’ve seen girls like you two trying to get lucky with those hunks.”

“Gertie, we’ve never been there, but it sure sounds like you have. Did you use one of the strippers as the model for your gyro? It does slightly resemble a tushy”.

“You two need to grow up.”

Bob was quietly listening while pumping his fists, making the tattoos on his forearms dance. Finally, he spoke. “I’m going to call Jingles and the little horsey ride guy and ask them to check out the new trucks. If they try the food and it’s all bad, we don’t have to worry about competition. Plus, they could ask if they had anything stolen.”

“Bob, you know I’m no prude, but even I think you should wear a long sleeve shirt when the girls are around.”

“Who’s talking Gus, you or Gertie”?

“Thank you, Gus. Katie and I don’t enjoy Bob’s tribute to us. And Bob, it is a bit creepy. I do agree we need to have the cops check out the new trucks. Give them a call.”

That afternoon when the lunch trade had fallen off, Jingles and Bronco arrived and gathered the truck owners. “Bob, thanks for telling us about the new trucks. We talked with each of them. None reported any thefts. Bronco and I were both surprised by how inexpensive the food was. We’re both Jewish, so we didn’t try the pork pie stuff. I did have the sloppy joe while Bronco had the meatballs.”

“I was little scared of eating anything like balls since I got conned into eating Rocky Mountain Oysters, but those Swedes know how to make a tasty ball. A bag of ten balls was less money than your D cup burger. And it tasted like your D cups, only smaller.”

Gertie looked at the Officer, “When you get the bag of balls, do you grab them with your hands?I don’t believe they are in buns.”

“No sir, that Swede thinks of everything. He gives you this long toothpick-like thing to stick into the bag and bring out a ball. Where do you people go to piddle? I have to go like a bronco.”

Katie had a smug smile when she spoke, “Let me get you a 16-ounce cup. Would you mind taking it to the port-a-potty and trying to fill it up? I’ve always wondered how much a bronco can hold.”

A couple of minutes later, the policeman returned, handing the cup to Katie. “How did I do. I must have whizzed a good 12 ounce.”

She handed the cup to Jingles, “Officer, here’s what you need to arrest that Swede. If he is a real Swede.”

Gus looked at Katie, “What does a cup of piddle prove”?

“Gertie, what is used to make meatballs”?

“I wish you boobalas would learn how to do something besides flip burgers. Oh. I get you. Meatballs use many of the same ingredients as meatloaf. That’s good.”

“We all agreed what was stolen were ingredients to make meatloaf, and now we know meatballs. Bronco said the balls tasted like our burgers. And he just handed me a cup of green tinkle. Reviews on ROLF say our burgers turn urine green. Kathy mixes in antacids with the beef to prevent heartburn. It’s the antacid that makes the pee green. Maybe I should say pea green.”

Bob looked at the burger babes, “That’s one pun I don’t mind. Officers, go arrest that sack of balls.”

---

Dave Larson is best known for his research and writing on baseball history in the early 1900s. He has been published both in journals and online. He lives in the Orlando, FL, area.