By Chris Bunton
The video turns on and we see a man standing in a kitchen. He has long black hair tied in a pony tail, and a scraggly beard. The kitchen looks as unclean as he does.
“Hey everybody!” The man says to the camera, as he leans forward and places his hands on the island in front of him. It stands between him and the camera. We can see a fridge, cabinets lining the wall, and a stove behind him. The walls are of grey cinder block, like a basement.
“My name is Rafael Diaz, and this is the first episode of the “Chef Rafael Show”” He says. He pushes a button on the island and cheers can be heard in the room, like a studio audience.
“Ok, let me explain what we are doing here. We are filming the first season of the show, and then we will pitch it to one of the networks. We are not sure which, but it will be fantastic.”
He claps his hands at the saying of the word “fantastic”, and then rubs them together like he is warming them.
“The Chef Rafael Show” is going to be a cooking slash travel slash slasher show. It’s going to be a mix of Anthony Bourdain, meets Guy Fieri, meets Hannibal Lector and they have a meal. We might even throw in a little Rachel Ray to make it a yummy sammich.”
He claps his hands and laughs at his own joke.
“This show is going to be my masterpiece. We are going to cook the favorite meals of your favorite serial killers. We are going to travel to their hangouts, and eat the foods they probably ate. We are also going to cook their last meals, for the ones who were executed and had one. We might even celebrate their birthdays. It’s just going to be a big gory mess of fantastic, with a little knowledge thrown in.”
He clapped his hands and rubbed them again at the word “fantastic.”
“So, with that being said, let’s begin by cooking bar b que sandwiches. If you are a fan of many scary movies, you will know where I am going with this. Because, the bar b que sammich is a staple in about 3 great flicks.”
He reaches down and lifts a chunk of raw meat on a cutting board, from below the counter. Then, he places it on the counter top on the island in front of him. He picks up a meat cleaver and points at the camera with it.
“Today we are using Long Swine. Long Swine is a specialty meat. It’s got a unique flavor that is compared to pork; hence, the name “Long Swine.” This might also be a reference to the behaviors of the animal. But, we are not really interested in morality on “The Chef Rafael Show.” We are about fun and getting it done, with a little flair, and a shake of our derriere.”
He chops the hunk of meat with the cleaver a few times, while shaking his butt, and then looks at the camera.
“You must use responsibly sourced meats that are fed healthy ingredients. You can use any kind of meat you want for this recipe, but just make sure it’s organic. You do not need to be consuming chemicals. Always remember that Chef Rafael cares for you, and doesn’t want you full of poison.”
He smiles a warm smile at the camera.
“Now, since we are using a specialty meat that is rather hard to safely obtain, I have raised my own. I feed them only organic oat gruel. They have been eating it for about a month now.”
Rafael looks off camera and speaks.
“You like oats don’t you?” He says to someone off camera, while nodding his head with a smile.
Then, his face changes and he becomes visibly enraged in an instant.
“Say it, or you get the hose!” He screams at someone.
“Yes” a sobbing voice can be heard.
Rafael looks back at the camera and instantly composes himself into a saintly figure again.
“Fantastic.” He says with a smile.
He laughs, claps his hands and rubs them together.
“I love the old ‘Gets the hose’ line. It cracks me up.” He says.
He starts chopping the meat.
“You gotta chop your meat like it’s your ex. The violence adds flavor crystals. That’s why meat tastes good, because we kill it. If your meat just commits suicide or dies peacefully in her sleep, it just doesn’t have the same flavor. The fear and horror of suffering and coming death releases a hormone that flavors the meat. I know this meat is already dead, but it has memory of who it once was according to my guru friends. You wanna keep up the abuse long after the meat expires, in order to keep that flavor locked in there.”
He keeps chopping. Then, he stops and looks at the camera.
“Now, at this time you wanna sprinkle your meat with spices, or you can use your favorite dry rub before chopping. We recommend…”
He bends over and reaches under the counter, pulling out a plastic spice bottle which he shows to the camera.
“Chef Rafael’s Fantastic Food Flavoring, it has all the spices you would expect and a few secrets, you’d never guess. It is fantastic.”
He sets the plastic container down and pushes a button which brings sounds of “ooohs and aaahs”.
He then reaches over and takes the lid off a crock pot. He takes the cutting board and scrapes all the meat into the crock pot with the meat cleaver, and sets everything back down on the counter. He then puts the lid back on the crock pot.
“Next, you cook your meat in a crock pot with your favorite bar b que sauce, and spices. Ol Rachel Ray will tell you to make your own. Well, Rachel Ray is a…. Well, let’s not say what she is. She stole one of my recipes and we will leave it at that.”
He reaches over and grabs a beer from the counter.
“At Chef Rafael’s we do things the easy way. Just grab your favorite sauce and a cheap beer with your spices and mix it all together. “
He pops the beer top and takes a long drink, then slams the can on the counter.
“Or you can just use….”
He reaches under the counter and produces a plastic sauce bottle, which he shows to the camera.
“Chef Rafael’s Fantastic Food Sauce. It’s got all you need for your meat. A squirt of this. A shot of that, a little dribble of this too. It’s not that sweet stuff. Nope. It’s salty and it’s sticky, just like your momma liked. It’ll make your meat sing. It’s even good on fries.” He said.
He looked off screen.
“You love the way it tastes, don’t ya?”
He threw the bottle off screen in a fit of rage.
“Say it!” He yells.
He looks back at the camera totally composed.
“Ha, that reminds me of Sam Kinison.”
He looks off camera.
“Oh just quit whining and put the bottle in the basket outside the cage.”
He looks back at the screen and smiles.
He claps his hands together and rubs them.
“Now, let’s look at our meat and eat some Long Swine.”
He opens the lid to another crock pot, and takes a sniff.
“Mmmmmm…..that smells like grandma.” He says.
He reaches into the crock pot with a pair of tongs and pulls out a hunk of meat, which he places on a bun on a little plate. Then, he sits the tongs down, and puts the lid back on the crock pot.
He picks up the sandwich and takes a bite. He places the sandwich down, licks his fingers, and looks at the camera.
“Fantastic,” He says.
“Well, this concludes our first episode of the ‘Chef Rafael Show’. We will return next week with a recipe from Jeffery Dahmer’s own kitchen. Have a great day! And don’t let the door hit you on the way out.”
Chris Bunton is a writer, poet and blogger from Southern Illinois