Friends with Benefits

By Seamus O’ Leary

Doctor Derek Goldberg sat at the bar in Louie’s Sports Pub, watching the game on one of the big screen TV’s He was excited. It was Friday night, and his new friends were coming for another night of partying. He could not wait.

He took a drink of his Old Style and checked out a few giggling girls at the end of the bar. He thought about ordering them a round of drinks but wasn’t sure what the plan was for the night. Beside’s they seemed a little older than he liked.

He reached over and picked a few pretzels out of the bowl and popped them in his mouth. The bar was hopping, and he watched the bartender slinging drinks and running the cash register, like a mad man. It was still pretty early; and he had a long night ahead of him.

“Hey!” Jack said.

He grabbed Derek’s shoulders from behind and surprised him. He gave Derek a little shoulder rub.

“Didn’t mean to scare ya buddy.” Jack said laughing.

Derek turned and looked at him, with a smile.

“No, it’s good, you got me.’ He said.

Jack sat down in the seat to the left of Derek while Danny, who everybody called “Nubs” on a count of him missing a few fingers on his left hand, only having nubs where they should be, sat down to the right.

“Hey guys, let me buy you a drink.” Derek said.

“Sure” Jack said, popping a few pretzels in his mouth.

“You betting on the game?” Jack asked.

“No, I really don’t gamble much. Beside’s I don’t know a bookie.” Derek said.

“Sports betting is legal now. You can do it online. But, you get better deals from a bookie, since bookies don’t take taxes. They might break your legs, but they won’t steal from you.” Jack laughed. “‘Nubs’ is a bookie; he’ll take your bet.”

“Ok, who should I bet for?” Derek asked.

Jack laughed.

“Da Bears of course.” They all laughed.

“Yeah, I guess I should bet on the home team, right?” Derek said.

“Not always, but I think this is a sure bet for us.” Jack said smiling.

“Nubs” Wrote a few things in his notebook, using a little pencil stub.

“Ok, I got you down.” “Nubs” Said

“What’s up for tonight?” Derek asked.

“Well, we’re gonna party.” Jack said with a laugh

“I gotta place we can go. Great girls.” Nubs said.

“Awesome!” Derek said.

“But, first we gotta have a serious talk.” Jack said.

“Ok, what’s up?” Derek asked.

“Nubs, if you will do the honors.” Jack said, motioning to Nubs.

Nubs produced a cell phone and set it on the bar in front of Derek. It was glowing and there were pictures displayed.

“Look at these, real close.” Jack said.

Derek looked closer and could tell they were pictures of him.

“Do you remember the party last Friday?” Jack asked.

“Barely!” Derek said with a laugh looking back and forth at his friends, who did not laugh.

“Well, that’s ok. I took pics.” Jack chuckled. “These might remind you.”

Jack reached over and scrolled through the pics on the phone in front of Derek.

“Now this one is very good.” Jack said, stopping his scrolling.

Derek looked.

“You see that gal? That’s Lacy. She’s about 14. She a very well built girl. But, she’s 14.”

Derek’s head shot forward for a closer look, then he looked at Jack. Jack flipped his head to get Derek to look back at the phone. He scrolled some more.

“And that’s Candy.” He said, stopping his scrolling. “She’s 15. And what you are doing to them will get you about 10-12 years.” Jack laughed, and Nubs found it extremely hilarious.

Jack scrolled some more as Derek’s mind reeled.

Jack stopped scrolling.

“Look at this one. You are really getting in there buddy.” He slapped Derek on the back.

Nubs reached over and scrolled, with his nubby hand.

“What’s going on here?”  Nubs asked.

Derek was mortified.

“No. I don’t remember anything. I was drunk. I didn’t do that.” He said in disbelief.

“Well, you obviously did. We got pics here. Lacy and Candy will vouch for you too buddy.” Jack said.

Jack picked up the phone and handed it to Nubs.

“So, here’s the deal Doctor Derek. Nubs and I, along with many of our friends often need a doctor who will keep his mouth shut. We need one who doesn’t file paper work, and can get things we need.” Jack said.

“I can’t do that!” Derek said

“You will do it. Or we will contact our friends at the cop shop, and they will arrest you for banging little girls.” Jack said.

“But, I didn’t!” Derek said again.

“Oh you did, and you enjoyed it. You will get locked up, and you will suffer. We will make sure of it.” Jack said.

Derek felt sick. He looked back and forth between Jack and Nubs.

“No. I can’t believe this. I thought we were friend’s guys.” Derek said.

Jack and Nubs laughed.

“We are friends, Doc. But, now we are friends with benefits.” Jack and Nubs laughed and patted Derek on the back.

Derek shook his head, looking down.

“Come on, cheer up. Let me buy you an Old Style. We’ll get this party started. Maybe we can find Lacy for you.”  Jack and Nubs laughed.


(Bio: Seamus O’ Leary is a writer from Chicago, Illinois.)

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